[The Thought Index] 56 Thoughts Every Church Musician Has

1. Is it already 6:30? Time to go direct church choir. Lord, I’m hungry.
2. I just took the Lord’s name in vain. I’m going to burn in hell.
3. Technically, I only thought the Lord’s name in vain. I’m only half bad. God forgives. It’ll be okay. Right?
4. Alrighty…what hymns are we doing this week?
5. Where the hell is that e-mail with this week’s hymns?
6. Jeez, I just took the Lord’s name in vain again.
7. I sort of did it again just now. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
8. There they are! Ok. Jesus Loves Me, For the Beauty of the Earth, Amazing Grace…standards. Lounge standards. Good stuff. Let’s get to this.
9. Tonight’s plan: hymns, Rutter, easily-readable-mid-90s-SATB-one-rehearsal-wonder, that one thing we’re doing at the end of this month…
10. Did I pull the copies of the Rutter?
11. Rutter. That could be spelled Rudder. Like the boat part.
12. I wish I were on a boat right now. With a margarita. Strawberry.
13. OOH, I should cleverly connect a motorboat / lip trill warmup to the Rutter/Rudder. How would I do that? Rudder lips done, Rutter music up. I’ll figure it out. They’ll love it. I am funny.
14. Ok, pull the Rudder. I mean the Rutter.
15. Ooh, look, a Moses Hogan piece! We should do this.
16. Wait. I only have like 18 singers on a good day. And most of the sopranos can’t sing above an F. Ain’t gonna work. Maybe another day.
17. Alrighty, let’s get this show on the road.
18. …it’s five ’til. Where is everyone?
19. Probably eating their dinners. Jealous.
20. That chili is going to taste uh-good tonight. I should pay someone to run across the street to Jimmy John’s and get me a sandwich. Then also eat some chili later. Mayo is bad for singing.
21. :::practice my conducting gesture::: wait. How do you cut off on 2 again? :::flashback to conducting basics:::
22. Ah, here are my singers, fresh out of bible study. Time to get our sang on. Warmups. Here we go.
23. Well, those were some interesting sounds.
24. Hymns. Just keep the four pattern going. Broken record arms.
25. Why do my arms hurt now? I need to do more pushups. Job description: be able to keep a four pattern and lift 40 pounds. Same thing.
26. When was the last time I did a pushup? I am a milquetoast.
27. MMM, toast. With strawberry preserves. I should watch my sugar intake.
28. Alright, piece number 1. Let’s get it done.
29. No, sopranos, your vibrato may not exceed the interval of a sixth. Too much right now.
30. Tenors, sing higher. Just pretend like someone is pinching your ass.
31. :::Models tenor line, awkwardly jumping up the octave when it gets too low::: Lord, I am not a tenor. Should have just done it all in my octave.
32. Ok, friends, time to run the piece. Beginning to end.
33. Well, those were some interesting sounds.
34. When are we doing this, you say? Why, this very Sunday. I e-mailed out the plan three weeks ago.
25. Yes, we have been rehearsing this piece for about four weeks now.
26. Yes, I’m sure. Yes, I e-mailed the sound recordings.
27. Will I e-mail them again? Of course, I will hop on over to youtube and copy and paste a link for you. So glad I have two degrees.
28. I should be more patient. These are good people. And I’ve used the Lord’s name in vain about eighty times. I think if I do it in my head, it still counts.
29. All right, new piece!
30. No, we are not starting at the beginning. It’ll be okay, I promise.
31. RHYTHM. Good God, rhythm. Clap that rhythm.
32. That sounded like applause. Or the tap warmup for 42nd Street. 
33. :::models correct rhythm::: golf claps, people. Golf claps.
34. Ok, that was closer, but you still look like you’re trying unsuccessfully to fan yourself with your music. This time, let’s set the music in our laps. Golf claps.
35. Close enough for jazz. Let’s speak it together now.
36. ZOMBIES. We sound like zombies. Or pre-ritual cult chanting.
37. Chant! I miss music history.
38. Time to add some pitches, yo. Let’s see about this.
39. Wow….wow. Cutting that weird descant. Even I sound like a banshee when I jump an octave.
40. One at time. Let’s start with the dudes. Sopranos, you’ll just have to get over it.
41.  How has an hour passed already? My stomach is eating itself now.
42. That’d be weird if my stomach ate itself. And kind of sad. No more cookies. Boo.
43. Time to pray. Crap, I have to sneeze. Hold it in.
44. I am so glad these people show up week after week to sing with me. Sometimes even I wouldn’t sing with me.
45. That would be insane if I could sing with myself. I’d sing all the parts.
46. I should look into that overtone singing again. Can I even do that with my voice if I’m a female? Weird stuff.
48. Ok, people are still hanging out. Turn out the lights. See if that gets them out.
48. That sort of worked. But not really. I’m locking the door now. I think they get the hint.
49. Note to self: run that awkward section again on Sunday. Broken record style.
51. Man, I hope this comes together the way I want it to.
50. It probably will. Remember how amazed you’ve been some Sunday mornings. Shit usually gets pulled together.
51. Shit. I just cursed in a church. In my head. Still counts…pretty sure.
52. I totally forgot to crack that Rutter/Rudder joke.
53. There’s always next week.
54. I love my job.
55. How is it dark out already?
56. CHILI. nomnomnom.

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