Sometimes when I see inanimate objects, I see food. Like cartoon-mirage-style. It may be my subconscious telling me I’m hungry. On church evenings, I don’t sit down to dinner until well past 9:00, and don’t even get me started on my unacceptable eating habits during show runs, during which midnight “second-dinner” becomes all the rage.
I had way too much fun with this post. Not only did I over-think things like a weirdo, but I actually planned a special purchasing trip because I am that cool. Then I may have enjoyed some snacks along the way, making me slap-happier than a kid on a sugar high. Enjoy.
My Food Alternatives to Office Supplies
POST-IT NOTES. I’m talking about those magnificent little tabs that every musician covets. 3M was clearly thinking of choir directors when they finally caught onto the slender mini-tab thing. Incidentally, my first choice for this was, in fact….Listerine strips!
Perfect, right? Until my local grocery store decided to fail at life. So instead, I’d use these bad boys:
Yep. I’m so neat. Just wait. It gets better. How’s about some…
No, no. I think we can do better than that. Instead, I’d use Piorette Cookies. Those things nobody buys because they’re insanely expensive…unless you’re assembling Christmas gift baskets or a crazy blog post.
Remember when you were a kid and pretended to smoke cigarettes? I did that today. And I’m 28. And apparently have never smoked a cigarette (which, actually, is true. SINGING).
Also, my shirt says “Polka Dachs have more fun.” If you’re wondering, that phrase is followed by a caricature of two accordian-playing, polka-dancing dachshunds. I’m married. The chase is over.
And where do I store my pencils?
Why, In a PENCIL HOLDER, of course…
What’s that, Timmy? You need a pencil? Let me just reach over here and get one from my pencil hold– oh, wait. It’s donuts.
And once you make all those mistakes you’re bound to make when you USE PEN IN YOUR MUSIC (:::sigh:::), you’ll need some of THIS WHITE-OUT.
Which, in Studio Wonka-Land, would be EDIBLE VANILLA FROSTING. I only had thismuch milk left, so I chose not to waste it on something I would only pretend to eat for a photo. So here’s me pretending to eat my White-Out:
You may need some SCISSORS to cut your students. I mean MUSIC.
Or could you use PRETZEL STICKS instead? Rather than taste blood from accidentally cutting yourself (on your lip?), the salty flavor is built right in!
Your music is bound to rip eventually. I, too get excited about Christmas music and can’t suppress the uncontrollable urge to tear it out of my binder like the Hulk! I knew it wasn’t just me.
The solution? LIFESAVER HOLE REINFORCEMENTS.
They’ll save your life! By providing an energy surge for the last half of rehearsal!
Which, as it turns out, may not be the best solution.
Moving right along…
SCOTCH TAPE. What pianist doesn’t use THIS to avoid 15 page turns in 8 measures?
No, no. This will not do. Instead, I’d use some sticky-ass GLAZED DONUTS. Those would work, right?
And finally, the piece de resistance…
A HOLE PUNCH. The thing everyone wants and nobody has (available at rehearsals). Mine can punch 20 pages at once. I win.
But, folks. I’d win even more if I used an UNCOOKED SMORE. That’s right.
Didn’t see that one coming, did you?
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go burn 500 calories.