Silly Sunday: If Studio & Office Supplies Were Food…

Sometimes when I see inanimate objects, I see food. Like cartoon-mirage-style. It may be my subconscious telling me I’m hungry. On church evenings, I don’t sit down to dinner until well past 9:00, and don’t even get me started on my unacceptable eating habits during show runs, during which midnight “second-dinner” becomes all the rage.

I had way too much fun with this post. Not only did I over-think things like a weirdo, but I actually planned a special purchasing trip because I am that cool. Then I may have enjoyed some snacks along the way, making me slap-happier than a kid on a sugar high. Enjoy.

My Food Alternatives to Office Supplies

POST-IT NOTES. I’m talking about those magnificent little tabs that every  musician covets. 3M was clearly thinking of choir directors when they finally caught onto the slender mini-tab thing. Incidentally, my first choice for this was, in fact….Listerine strips!

listerine_pshot

Perfect, right? Until my local grocery store decided to fail at life. So instead, I’d use these bad boys:

actually chewing the gum would have been a huge waste. Or benefit. For my teeth. According to 4 out of 5 dentists.
actually chewing the gum would have been a huge waste. Or benefit. For my teeth. According to 4 out of 5 dentists.

photo 1

Yep. I’m so neat. Just wait. It gets better. How’s about some…

PENCILS?

I use imaginary paper.
I use imaginary paper.

No, no. I think we can do better than that. Instead, I’d use Piorette Cookies. Those things nobody buys because they’re insanely expensive…unless you’re assembling Christmas gift baskets or a crazy blog post.

why yes, I write in french vanilla on my table.
why yes, I write in french vanilla on my table.

Remember when you were a kid and pretended to smoke cigarettes? I did that today. And I’m 28. And apparently have never smoked a cigarette (which, actually, is true. SINGING).

I eat pencils
I eat pencils. 

Also, my shirt says “Polka Dachs have more fun.” If you’re wondering, that phrase is followed by a caricature of two accordian-playing, polka-dancing dachshunds. I’m married. The chase is over.

And where do I store my pencils?

all the glorious pencils
all the glorious pencils

 

Why, In a PENCIL HOLDER, of course…

oh, did you need a pencil? let me just reach over to my pencil hold--oh wait. It's donuts.
MADE OF DONUTS

What’s that, Timmy? You need a pencil? Let me just reach over here and get one from my pencil hold– oh, wait. It’s donuts.

That’s right.

And once you make all those mistakes you’re bound to make when you USE PEN IN YOUR MUSIC (:::sigh:::), you’ll need some of THIS WHITE-OUT. 

or, because I'm cheap, "cover-it."
or, because I’m cheap, “cover-it.”

 

Which, in Studio Wonka-Land, would be EDIBLE VANILLA FROSTING. I only had thismuch milk left, so I chose not to waste it on something I would only pretend to eat for a photo. So here’s me pretending to eat my White-Out:

contrary to what may appear, this white-out is NOT actually touching my tongue
contrary to what may appear, this white-out is NOT actually touching my tongue…but the odor may be taking its toll

 

You may need some SCISSORS to cut your students. I mean MUSIC.

don't run with these
don’t run with these

Or could you use PRETZEL STICKS instead? Rather than taste blood from accidentally cutting yourself (on your lip?), the salty flavor is built right in!

these would cut stuff, right?
these would cut stuff, right?

 

Your music is bound to rip eventually. I, too get excited about Christmas music and can’t suppress the uncontrollable urge to tear it out of my binder like the Hulk! I knew it wasn’t just me.

The solution? LIFESAVER HOLE REINFORCEMENTS. 

what? it works.
what? it works.

They’ll save your life! By providing an energy surge for the last half of rehearsal!

butter rum flavor…not booger.
butter rum flavor…not booger.

 

Which, as it turns out, may not be the best solution.

then this happened.
then this happened.

Whoops.

Moving right along…

SCOTCH TAPE. What pianist doesn’t use THIS to avoid 15 page turns in 8 measures?

what could I possibly have in store for this one?
what could I possibly have in store for this one?

No, no. This will not do. Instead, I’d use some sticky-ass GLAZED DONUTS. Those would work, right?

tape dispenser or vomiting donut?
tape dispenser or vomiting donut?

 

And finally, the piece de resistance…

A HOLE PUNCH. The thing everyone wants and nobody has (available at rehearsals). Mine can punch 20 pages at once. I win.

this survived my public teaching experience without being destroyed or stolen. I must have somehow appeased the office supply gods.
this survived my public teaching experience without being destroyed or stolen. I must have somehow appeased the office supply gods.

 

But, folks. I’d win even more if I used an UNCOOKED SMORE. That’s right.

My mind is in the right place.
My mind is in the right place. Also, this is on my piano bench. Monday students – watch where you sit.

 

Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go burn 500 calories.

Happy Sunday!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *