6 Things I Would Buy My Accompanist

The last ten days in the life of this Maven have been…special. Self-deprecation aside, I’ve had a fair amount of job challenges to face, not to mention having to jump through some pretty significant family-leadership hoops, including the one of “cool live-in aunt” to two small girls. This is is the first morning I’ve had in nearly two weeks that hasn’t involved some sort of crumb cleaning or conversation about what a fox really does say. I wasn’t even the one doing most of the work in the way of care-giving. Life sure has its way…

If I had MY way, I’d buy presents for everyone. All the time. Christmas is coming up; I’m sure you weren’t aware (if you hear christmas music in the stores, just cover your ears and rock slowly back and forth), and I’ve been told by multiple parties on separate occasions that I’m a pretty stellar gift-giver. It’s because somewhere around July of each year, I start this note on my iPad that lists out the people I love, but rather than identify them by name (in case they stumble upon the note), I dub them a random assortment of slightly obvious nicknames like “Sissy Spacek” (that’s my sister) or “Mamacita” (can you guess who that is?). Others aren’t so obvious, like “The 3 Musketeers” or “Sir-Sings-A-Lot.” Those could be just about anybody, really.

I’ve recently pondered what to get the many pianists in my life. They put up with so much. Late copies, playing in atrocious keys, bending to the will of demanding/bitchy singers who can’t sing a melody line to save their life (sometimes that’s me). Here’s what I would buy for them:

  • A magical black folder that holds unlimited music, yet never expands beyond 1.5 inches or a half a pound. It would hold all the music you own, Mary Poppins style.
  • A bluetooth, waterproof, voice-activated metronome the size of a pencil tip that you can have installed in your ear (pain-free), remote optional (for when you lose your voice), even though you don’t really even need this because you have every tempo internalized in the bones of your soul.
  • An industrial, robotic hole punch with built-in music recognition software and scanner. it would automatically detect the optimal music order and arrange your scores accordingly. The adhesive option would even cut and paste difficult music passages into your other music, making even the worst page turns yet again possible and rendering the stapler obsolete. The scanner would save and store all your music in PDF format, saving the rainforests and having to print yet another copy of “Ich Liebe Dich” in the high key.
  • A never-ending, automatically sharpening, weightless, unbreakable titanium pencil. Built-in clip that self-molds to all surfaces (binders, stacks of paper, folders, ears). GPS positioning chip will auto-detect when it is needed and actually self-propel to its owner in the middle of rehearsal.
  • This house:

    it's really a house.
    it’s really a house.
  • A paid vacation to an all-inclusive Mexican beach resort. Salzburg can wait. The beaches are eroding…global warming and all. Plus, margaritas.


What would you buy your pianist?

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